here we are again heading back in for our routine cardio appointment. i’m not an anxious person typically and i usually thrive on stress but this is a type of stress and anxiety i’ve never experienced before. probably because i never had a kid before haha.
i had this conversation with another heart mom the other day and we are both creatives and get way more done under stress and deadlines than any other time but this is just all new and different.
these routine check ups are a huge trigger source of anxiety for me and by the time i got home last night my mascara was off and i could barely eat dinner i was so stressed out. joe sensed it right away and explained things to me exactly the way that i needed them and calmed me down. kind of.
this morning i woke up with a bit more peace and resolve that this is just another check on the list that we need to do to get otto well. i think these appointments are so hard because we are basically going in to see for signs of failure that will get us ready for surgery. and as much as i want it to be here the thought of surgery freaks me out and just terrifies me. i think otto knew what i needed a bit this morning because around 5am he didn’t want to sleep anywhere else but on my chest and as tired as i was i just didn’t care and i snuggled him all morning before our feeding therapist came.
last night on my way home i had to bring my mom’s car back to her house and when i got in the car a song about the verse “his eye is on the sparrow” was playing and it just rested within my heart.
“are not two sparrows sold for a penny? yet not one of them will fall to the ground without your fathers care. and even all the very hairs on your head are numbered. so do not be afraid for you are worth more than many sparrows” – matthew 10:29-31
when i opened my facebook this morning (i know i know) the first thing i saw was a meme that said
” the devil whispered in my ear, “you are not strong enough to withstand the storm.” today i whispered back at the devil, “i am the storm”.
there has been so many times this past week where i have thought that i just can’t do this but what am i supposed to give up on? otto? no way. i don’t have a choice. i have to be strong enough to withstand this storm portion of life. and the only one who is telling me i can’t is the devil. because i can, and i have to.
sorry if this post is just so discombobulated i’m a bucket of thoughts and emotions this morning. however, i do feel oddly at peace more so than i have in the past 48 hours. that is due in large part to everyones prayers. so thank you. like i said before, i am a firm believer in the power of prayer.
today and every day i’m still praying for a miracle but if we do not get that today i pray that we find some solutions for little ottos reflux issues with the feeding tube and that his heart is still holding strong and the meds are working. we will keep you updated!
abby (and joe and otto)